so it's gotten to the point in my life where opening christmas gifts isn't that enjoyable...it's not that i'm getting bad presents, but i find it more enjoyable to see the little babies open presents.  i have younger cousins, one is 4 and the other is 1, both incredibly adorable (they're half black and i like poking them and messing with their curly hair). then i have a 1 yr old goddaughter who is quite cute as well.  seeing them open their presents tonight was heartwarming. it's being around family that is truly the best part of any holiday. 

seeing my other uncle helping his 4 year old niece open her gifts nearly made me cry i think...he's had a rough battle with cancer and the end of the road is possibly near for him, while my little cousin is at the beginning of her life. my uncle is a wise man--an artist too. his handdrawn card was of a beautiful parole. he has nothing of material value to give me but his talent and astute words of advice are more than enough...i never thought i was sentimental, but i'm beginning to think so.  and then seeing my seventy-seven year old grandfather, the patriarch of the family, holding the one year old cousin is also an indescribable feeling.  i have so much love for each one. 

i tend to watch this baby the most.  she always has a contemplative demeanor on her face, a quietness that contrasts to her loud, cranky yet oh so lovable older sister. when i see her i feel like she's taking in the world, accumulating observations and intelligently making conclusions--she's gonna be a smart one. she never cries and she tends to walk to parts of the room where she can see everything that is happening. it's kinda amazing, really. 

then there are the cousins my age.  they still argue with each other, but it's christmas and it doesnt bother me much anymore. they're old enough to make decisions and deal with the decisions they make.  by the end of the night i find myself sitting with the parents--joking, laughing, eating, and observing the little ones who make every relative smile a deep joy only they can bring.  i talk to my other uncle about beer now in an attempt to expand my tastes and develop my tongue and recognition of things like malty and hoppy. haha.  he gave me a flask actually. next year's uva football games will be a little more interesting hopefully.

anyways, this entry helped me re-look at my life and to put it back into the perspective that has given me strength over the years--la pamilya.  cherish your family. it's christmas!

p.s. i got a car finally.

with three semesters under my belt...two of which were bad semesters, i need to shape up my academic life so my career and the rest of my life fall in place. 

decision to make: policy or biomed research?

...or continue to reconcile both.  I'm gonna hate having a semester of classes related to one subject.

i love when ppl aren't so appreciative of the amount of work i do for them.  receiving no recognization never bothers me, but straight up antagonism? fuck you, man.

i'm becoming a very bitter person.

This is the last section from a poem my friend likes:

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, / it is still a beautiful world. / Be cheerful. / Strive to be happy."

I try to follow it's advice, but it's hard when all ugliness in the world is more visible.

so school is beginning to suck...i hate the time crunch. it's unnerving. it's uneasy. it's uncomfortable. i tried going to the gym between classes but the amount of time wasted while waiting for the bus just so i can shower is not efficient.  when i saw my schedule during the summer i thought it would be easy for the gym between classes but nope...now i study. and i'm behind in nearly everything for reading. self-discipline is something that i'm lacking.  i didn't know also that meetings would stack up like this. when i look at my calendar, the next week always seems free. but as the current week progress, meetings somehow fill the next week....and so i have not been able to get into research this semester...i need to slow down and fix some priorities. i can definitely drop some things this year since i know i'll have to do them next year.  once that's down, all i need is perseverance and to keep my eyes on the prize.

right now something particularly uncomfortable is...myself. i feel that i am retreating into myself and isolating a certain aspect of me. i'm distancing myself from everything and everyone. life's getting really convoluted and i'm beginning to question myself and where i am. it's like middle school again...trying to find yourself, except this is college.

i apologize if you read through this ranting. i shouldn't complain about all this shit cause people got worse concerns.